Thursday, December 15, 2016

When God first started to reach my heart

I was reading through an old blog I used to keep but have since taken offline.  My pre-Christian days blog definitely has some posts that show a heart that is DECIDEDLY a non-believing one.  Some of my Facebook posts as well.

One post, though, marks the time when I started to really question whether or not I wanted to believe and let God in, or jump off the cliff and profess once and for all that God doesn't exist. This denial of God was something that had been toying with me for quite some time, and at the time of this post I was truly on the edge of that cliff; both terrified of and considering jumping right off.  I posted this on January 21, 2013.  The post was titled "Does God Exist"- here it is:

I am really struggling with my faith and this question.  Raised a Catholic, having gone to Catholic schools through high school, and now sending my children to a Catholic school does not automatically mean that I am going to continue to believe everything I had been taught by religion, apparently.
The downfall of my belief in the teachings of Catholicism started after college.  I really began to doubt some of the "rules" that Catholics are taught to follow.  I really felt that God would know me, know my heart, and know my intent whether or not I went to church every Sunday or whether or not I confessed my sins to a priest.  I slowly stopped following the rules and traditions of the Catholic church but continued to believe in God and Jesus- at least, I thought I did.
Now- at 41 I am starting to wondering about it all in ways I have never allowed myself to admit.  I want to believe in God- I am sure I still do somewhere deep inside... but when I see the direction this world is taking, when I watch the words and actions of people who claim to be "Christians" yet they don't seem to be living or acting the way I believe God and Jesus would want them to I have to question it all.  What the hell is going on in this world?  If there is a God- then why does it seem as though the entire world is completely FUBAR and getting worse? 
To make matters worse, I send my children to a Catholic school.  How can I be having such doubts and still send them there?  That has got to be the worst contradiction in the history of contradictions, right? 
Then, in the midst of all this confusion, my incredible husband who has professed to not believe in God and had a million arguments against such ridiculousness now seems to be having a change of heart on the matter.  It's like what was in me is now in him and vice versa.
We went to a new church this past Sunday, at my request.  He has indicated a readiness and desire to find a community that would help him with his journey toward possibly finding God and Jesus and so even though I have started having my doubts I looked up some options and found one for us to try.  I sobbed my way through the entire service, much to my utter disgust in myself.  WTF. 
So now- I am faced with a very difficult journey of my own.  I do not want to abandon my believe in God.  I really don't.  My good Catholic guilt is all over this one.... and I feel as though the depths of hell are just waiting to swallow me whole just for thinking such thoughts, much less putting them on paper.  But there it is.  
I know some time back I posted here about not going to church so this isn't the first time ever that I have posted about such a topic.  It is, however, the first time I have ever admitted this struggle.  Well- I actually admitted this to Chad after church yesterday so technically THAT was the first time ever- but he is my best friend and absolute soul mate, so that doesn't really count cause he is safe.  This however, is anything but safe. 
So here I go- on a journey I never anticipated nor asked for, but one that I feel I cannot ignore.  I need to resolve this discontent and figure out where I stand.  It is critical. 
"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase"    -Martin Luther King, Jr. 

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother"   - Khalil Gibran 

"I believe in everything until it's disproved.  So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons.  It all exists, even if it's in your mind.  Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?"   -John Lennon 

A good article to read that I took the title of this post from: Does God Exist