When "venting" is actually just gossiping

"Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips."  Psalms 141:3

I watched a video today that is so good and really convicted me to write this post.  I will link it at the end. 

Story time. My first marriage was very difficult. My husband was an alcoholic and progressively got worse over the nearly 12 years we were married. Tragically, our marriage didn't survive, and 4 years after we divorced his alcoholism killed him. 

During all of this, I had a lot of self-righteousness. I wasn't a Christian then, and as a devout lover of Jesus now I look back on that time and am disgusted by my own behavior. There is no doubt it was the most difficult time in my life and things were not good at all.... but I made them much worse by my own behavior. I talked HORRIBLY about him to my friends and family. All the time. When I did that, I wasn't looking for counsel. I thought of it as venting but my behavior was making the problems in my marriage worse because it served to increase my self-righteousness and increased his shame. My friends only ever heard my side of the story. The few times someone (not a close friend) gently challenged me, I didn't want to hear it and stopped talking to those people. My attitude was that HE was the problem, and I was the victim. Nothing was ever fixed through my "venting" because what I was doing was actually making things worse. 

If you find yourself "venting" about your husband frequently, watch this video and be honest with yourself about what you are doing. If you are a Christian and you aren't seeking the counsel of a Godly person, ready and willing to receive feedback that may hold you responsible for YOUR role.... then you aren't helping yourself or anyone else. This is when "venting" becomes gossiping, and it is incredibly destructive. Marriage is not easy, and being married to someone with an addiction is 1000 times more difficult. Don't make it worse. Seek real help from a Godly person. Marriage is a gift from God and needs to be held with the highest standard and regard. It deserves nothing less than your full attention and fullest effort. Even if it feels like you are the only one giving it. Don't give up on it by giving in to gossip with people who will just take your side no matter what.

I'm NOT suggesting you remain in a situation that is dangerous or one where you are being physically abused.  In that case I urge you to get to safety and see wise and Godly counsel. That is a very difficult situation and I will not pretend it isn't.  For those NOT in an unsafe situation, though... I urge you to look to our Lord and His helpers (Godly people) to help you through it instead of friends or family who will automatically take your side and forever dislike your spouse based on your "venting". How unfair to you AND him. If you want your marriage to have a fighting chance don't do that. This doesn't mean you should suffer silently and alone.... there are better ways to get support that won't undermine the person you promised to love and honor forever who is struggling, too.

If you are in a marriage involving addiction and you are in pain and hurting, please reach out. I would love to pray with and for you. I know firsthand how hard it is. You don't have to go through this alone. I don't have all the answers but I understand.  I will leave you with some scripture, and please make sure to watch the video I have linked below. 

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."   1 Peter 3:1-2

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless."  James 1:26

"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it."  James 4:11

"Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues."  Proverbs 10:19

To my Wig Sisters and anyone suffering and struggling to come out from under it

"The experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do." Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place

I suffer from hair loss and wear wigs.  I have suffered for over 20 years, and have worn wigs for about 4 (as of July 2022).  I am very public about this, and even have a YouTube channel where I make videos on hair loss and wigs.  Because of my openness, I  often hear from women who are devastated by their hair loss and positively defeated and overwhelmed by the wig journey.  It breaks my heart to hear their stories and realize the pain they are in, but when a wig sister tells me she is a Christian, it breaks my heart even more because a love for Jesus should be a comforting salve for this pain.  Unfortunately, it often isn't because we humans can be so self-centered that we struggle to see our true purpose under Christ. I don't use the word self-centered in a mean or derogatory way.... it is simply a fact of our fallen nature that we struggle to see our pain in the context of the Gospel and instead see it as the end all be all of our lives at that moment. I suffer from this as much as the next person and constantly have to repent of it so please don't take my saying this as some sort of self-righteousness.  I am right there with you.

I am listening to Corrie Ten Boom's book The Hiding Place on Audible and the quote that started this post hit me squarely between the eyes on this topic.  If you are struggling with ANYTHING to the point that it paralyzes you, or makes you feel absolutely hopeless or helpless... stop for a moment and remember that you are a Child of God and you are here because He loves you and has a purpose for you. What you are going through may hurt... it may hurt more than anything you've ever experienced in your life thus far, but it isn't in vain. God will use it to refine you and make you even more useful to His Kingdom than you ever imagined. It will drive you to Him in prayer and desperation to find relief.  That is by design.  He knows we need Him, and He also knows that we sometimes need a push toward Him, and nothing works better than a little (or a lot) of pain.  Trust Him. Pray to Him for the strength to bear up under the pain. Read His word and focus on those who also suffered and bore their suffering well because of God's mercy, grace, and love that helped them through their trials.  God put them there as a comfort to us.  He knew we would struggle. 

• Job lost EVERYTHING and suffered physically in the most horrible way but he never lost his faith and trust in God.

• David had to live in hiding for years while Saul was trying to kill him, and had to wait patiently for 15 years after he was told he would be king, most of that time he fought for his life and lived in caves and hiding.

• Moses had to lead the Israelites through the desert for 40 years, facing more difficult times and anger from others than most of us will ever know... and he did this knowing he would NEVER get to live in the promised land but he was faithful anyway.

• Paul lost everything to follow Jesus and suffered more than we can even imagine for the Gospel.

• Jeremiah suffered all kinds of abuse and trials but remained faithful through it all.

• Hannah isn't talked about much but she suffered terribly by not being able to have children. Yet she persevered and continued to lean on God in her despair.

If you are suffering, please make reading God's word a priority. In addition to the ones listed above, do an online search of people who suffered in the Bible and then go read those scriptures. Don't just read the verses, internalize them. Remember these are REAL people living REAL lives.  Imagine what they went through and what it would have been like.  Study the ones that speak to you further. Don't wallow in your suffering. Use it to bring you closer to God and to be more open to His will in your life.  Believers who suffer well and draw closer to God in the process provide much-needed hope and inspiration to others. Don't you find that to be true?

There is a book that has helped me ALOT through my own trials and suffering. It is called Hope When it Hurts. Here is a link to it on Amazon. https://amzn.to/3uEiZWd

I highly recommend the Corrie Ten Boom book The Hiding Place as well.  I am not yet finished with it but I have already been so blessed by it!!  Here is a link: https://amzn.to/3ausr7D

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28