"Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalms 141:3
I watched a video today that is so good and really convicted me to write this post. I will link it at the end.
Story time. My first marriage was very difficult. My husband was an alcoholic and progressively got worse over the nearly 12 years we were married. Tragically, our marriage didn't survive, and 4 years after we divorced his alcoholism killed him.
During all of this, I had a lot of self-righteousness. I wasn't a Christian then, and as a devout lover of Jesus now I look back on that time and am disgusted by my own behavior. There is no doubt it was the most difficult time in my life and things were not good at all.... but I made them much worse by my own behavior. I talked HORRIBLY about him to my friends and family. All the time. When I did that, I wasn't looking for counsel. I thought of it as venting but my behavior was making the problems in my marriage worse because it served to increase my self-righteousness and increased his shame. My friends only ever heard my side of the story. The few times someone (not a close friend) gently challenged me, I didn't want to hear it and stopped talking to those people. My attitude was that HE was the problem, and I was the victim. Nothing was ever fixed through my "venting" because what I was doing was actually making things worse.
If you find yourself "venting" about your husband frequently, watch this video and be honest with yourself about what you are doing. If you are a Christian and you aren't seeking the counsel of a Godly person, ready and willing to receive feedback that may hold you responsible for YOUR role.... then you aren't helping yourself or anyone else. This is when "venting" becomes gossiping, and it is incredibly destructive. Marriage is not easy, and being married to someone with an addiction is 1000 times more difficult. Don't make it worse. Seek real help from a Godly person. Marriage is a gift from God and needs to be held with the highest standard and regard. It deserves nothing less than your full attention and fullest effort. Even if it feels like you are the only one giving it. Don't give up on it by giving in to gossip with people who will just take your side no matter what.
I'm NOT suggesting you remain in a situation that is dangerous or one where you are being physically abused. In that case I urge you to get to safety and see wise and Godly counsel. That is a very difficult situation and I will not pretend it isn't. For those NOT in an unsafe situation, though... I urge you to look to our Lord and His helpers (Godly people) to help you through it instead of friends or family who will automatically take your side and forever dislike your spouse based on your "venting". How unfair to you AND him. If you want your marriage to have a fighting chance don't do that. This doesn't mean you should suffer silently and alone.... there are better ways to get support that won't undermine the person you promised to love and honor forever who is struggling, too.
If you are in a marriage involving addiction and you are in pain and hurting, please reach out. I would love to pray with and for you. I know firsthand how hard it is. You don't have to go through this alone. I don't have all the answers but I understand. I will leave you with some scripture, and please make sure to watch the video I have linked below.
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct." 1 Peter 3:1-2
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29
"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." James 1:26
"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it." James 4:11
"Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues." Proverbs 10:19
